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Dude Charts Like a Lady

Posted by curlyq on November 14, 2013 in Babies, Marriage, Need a laugh?, Pregnancy |

Dude Charts Like a Lady:
4 Reasons Why We, the Husbands, Should Do the NFP Charting

By Richard Wan

nfp-cartoon

1. No more begging for sex. Do you really want to continue asking your wife, “Are you infertile today?” If she tells us what she observes and we do the charting, we’ll know if she’s fertile Thunderball-1_2477890bor not without sounding as whiny and spoiled as the kids. And if we stop sounding whiny, we can keep her fooled about our lack of maturity for a few more years. Besides, begging for sex is for lesser people. Just because we don’t seduce as many women as Mick Jagger or James Bond, this is still no reason to beg for sex.

2. Less complaining. No, I don’t mean you or your wife will complain to each other less. I’m talking about something more important: the conversations women have about us when there are no men around. The conversations inevitably drift towards just how much of a drag their husband is and move on to all the unsatisfactory things he does or does not do in the bedroom. bizarro-play-dateGo to playdate with your kids (make sure to keep your mouth shut) and hear it for yourself if you doubt my word. Do we want to be like all the other husbands whose alleged bedroom deficiencies get broadcast to the other women, or do we our want our wives to be the only one in her group who keeps her mouth shut while she thinks to herself, “Wow I really hit the jackpot with my husband! I better keep my mouth shut about how great he is or else these women who are younger and prettier than I am will try to steal him from me.”

3. Teacher Training Workshops. If you really want to know your stuff, you should go to one of the teacher training workshops. Trust me, you’ll thank me later. I realize that you’ll look like a keener, but that is a small price to  pay for the opportunity to spend the weekend as one of the few men in the company of over a dozen seriously gorgeous women (I’m talking Scarlett Johansson level of gorgeous) who want to talk about sex the whole time. The last training session I went to had more people named “Shawna” than all of the men attending. These women have been off the pill for years (maybe never been on it to begin with) and so they are the type to remain highly attractive well into their forties, maybe even their fifties!

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Borat gives more sex two thumbs up

4. More Sex. That’s a nice chart your wife has there. It would be a shame if something happened to it like…a day without charting. You see, your wife isn’t angry but she does sometimes have lots of things to do and so she grows… forgetful. And when she forgets to chart, that means at least 96 hours of more abstinence if you are trying to avoid pregnancy. Not that I would want you to abstain for 96 more hours, oh no no no! I’m just saying that if you want as little abstinence as possible, do the charting yourself – you know it to be true. And if you’re really keen on more sex, you can do the dishes and/or laundry too. The ladies call it choreplay.

If you liked this article, you may also like 10 Reasons Why We Don’t Use Contraception!

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